Personal Accounts From Baby Quest Recipients
Infertility produces a myriad of emotions from anger to frustration to pure desperation…wanting something so badly that, for some, is so natural. Those who struggle with the injections, hormones, monthly calendars, and negative pregnancy tests can attest to the fact that infertility is a “disease” – too often ignored. So many suffer in silence – afraid to admit their bodies will not cooperate. Male partners are especially reluctant to admit their role in the “issue,” despite the fact that nearly 40% of infertility cases are male related.
Here are a few excerpts from just a few of the personal accounts submitted by former applicants for Baby Quest grants. Remember…you are not alone in this.
Roller coasters are rides at amusement parks, not what we were expecting to be riding when we tried to get pregnant….for years!
HOW TO GET THROUGH INFERTILITY
I felt alone, angry and bitter. All I had wanted my whole life was to be a mother and I had no control over my own body in order to try make this life long dream a reality. It wasn’t until I started talking openly about my struggles that I found one of my best friends had been struggling for over a year to get pregnant herself, suddenly we both ¬¬didn’t feel as
The most difficult part of dealing with infertility was hearing the news that IVF was our best chance at falling pregnant. I threw myself a pity party for a couple days. I had no idea how we would pay for it, even if we were able to save enough over the next five years, then you are fighting biology and I would enter “advanced maternal age”.
The flip side of being open is that people want you to move on and get over it. They honestly don’t want to hear that you are sad or that you are struggling because pregnancy loss and fertility can make many people very uncomfortable.
The frustration and anguish of infertility are real. Modern science has paved the way, yet the solutions remain unaffordable to so many. Having a child should not be an issue of class – available only to those who can pay.
INFERTILITY AND FRUSTRATION
I crumpled to the bathroom floor. Eyes streaming…unbelieving. I stared at that damn stick, showing only one pink line. Again. I hated these sticks. The whole process of using them. Anxiously carting myself to WalMart, perusing the brands, Maybe E.P.T this time…but First Response is cheaper, and I can get three sticks in one box…Seeing the mother of three dragging her children past the toy aisle. Eyeing the teenage girl, belly protruding from under a shirt with “Hello Kitty” splashed across the front. Shooting daggers at the employee on her cigarette break as she scratches her blue-clad baby bump. Watching the family clicking through the tiled produce section obviously wearing their Sunday best from church….one quick errand before heading home from church.
Church. I hated that process now too. “Let’s turn to the congregation for prayer requests…” What am I supposed to say? It’s not like raising my hand and asking, “Please pray for my cousin in Afghanistan” or “My uncle goes for another scan this week, pray the cancer is gone.” Those are the kinds of prayer requests that are accepted and expected. I can’t say, “Pray for me. The damn stick was negative for the 48th month in a row. I’m a jealous creature who hates other women who are ripe with child. In fact, I’m desperate and angry. So angry with God, that I think I hate him too.” I can’t say that. Those old women would “tsk, tsk, tsk” look at me bewildered. Confused….Did she just say she hated God?
Infertility is a vicious disease that can make a “good” person jealous, bitter, and desperate.
INFERTILITY – THEN HOPE
When it storms we will dance in the rain, and we have danced through that rain for 5+years, 1865 days, 56 negative pregnancy tests, 10 IUI procedures, 2 rounds of IVF, hundreds of shots, and 3 miscarriages blessing us with 5 little angels…….but after every storm there is a rainbow of HOPE and that sun is starting to shine as we are FINALLY able to say that our precious MIRACLE is expected to arrive in Early November!!!!!!This journey has been incredibly heartbreaking, confusing, and frustrating, but all the while we have held onto HOPE that our dream would come true. We thought this day would never come. We are so grateful to our families, friends, and my amazing coworkers, for their constant support, prayers, well wishes, and positive thoughts! You have all helped us tremendously through the ups and downs over the last five years and words will never describe how blessed and thankful we are. Today we can toss that umbrella aside, come out of the rain, and dance in the sun!