My Battle With Infertility
Submitted by a Baby Quest grant recipient
I cannot recall ever being a “baby person” or gushing over infants when I was younger. I cannot remember ever having a strong desire to have a child until I met my husband and fell so in love with him that I developed the urge to have a baby his baby. Unfortunately, instead of pregnancy, I am dealing with infertility——.
I have to stop torturing myself by daydreaming and fantasizing about another life that does not exist complete with a baby’s first steps, teaching him/her to read and write, attending school functions and sporting events every milestone that a parent enjoys. I’ve probably decorated a nursery a hundred times in my mind. I chronicle healthy snack options, plan fun afterschool activities and research child development topics, convincing myself that I’m not some crazed woman without a baby, but merely someone being proactive should I ever be so fortunate.
I think fertility is probably one of the most excruciatingly difficult afflictions to deal with because it is all-encompassing. It is constantly on my mind and inescapable. Besides the physical demands on your body, it is emotionally draining, mentally exhausting, and carries a stigma that makes people uncomfortable. It’s not a disease that has an immediate cure or treatment. And, to the outside world, you appear healthy, making others oblivious to the pain you feel.
Often times, it’s unavoidable not to feel some pang of jealousy when it seems that the whole world is pregnant. There’s a split second when hearing that a friend or relative is having a baby, you immediately feel sadness while everyone else is rejoicing. It’s easy to criminalize the insurance companies or blame medical providers who take advantage of couples in their most vulnerable state by charging such astronomical amounts.
However, I refuse to play the role of victim. I am not interested in being a martyr, nor do I want anyone to pity my husband and myself. When I’m feeling that life is unfair that someone shouldn’t have to wish for something that comes so naturally to others, I have to remember that my inability to have a child shouldn’t diminish my happiness for others who can. I refuse to allow my pain to turn into bitterness or hatred and remember that every child is a miracle. Hopefully, some day in the future, I will have that miracle.